1:30 AM and I am sitting on our floor crying
My 7 week old was doing so well with sleeping at night and then Monday the 23rd happened. It was the day after my birthday and two days after my parents watched the boys so we could go out for a few hours. Was I being punished for this? I tried everything.... it took several weeks to find a few things that actually worked for our little guy and now none of them were working. His first week he got his tongue and lip tie revised. Then I started to realize that his noisy breathing, gagging, and choking was from silent reflux. So we went to the doctor and tried some medicine. He helped but still he was gagging and choking.... back to the doctor for the next round of medicine. And of course this medicine was not covered by insurance. So as a mother who is on UNPAID maternity leave I cried on the inside when the doctor mentioned this.... then he said the magical words "we work with a pharmacy in town that will fill this for a small fee". Thank God! I mean what do you do in that situation? You have to fill it... your child is miserable! Finally i started to notice some relief in my son.... then he woke up with a rash EVERYWHERE. This would be week 5 of his life and we have now been to his doctor's office every week at least once if not twice a week. I wanted to pack my bags and just move in! Thankfully the rash was just from a small cold he caught from his big brother and was easy to take care of. Oh the joys of having a toddler in daycare.
Week 6 came and we were starting to see a bit more routine and my son was feeling so much better! I will never forget how I felt the first time he smiled at me: I was so happy he was happy, I felt so guilty that this was his first smile and we had not bonded as much as i would have liked, and I was worried that the suffering he had would possibly create developmental issues with him in regards to socializing/ bonding/ emotions. Blame it on the postpartum hormones or the constant worry that grows in a woman and replaces the child that just physically left her body. I will worry for the rest of my life ... I realize this and accept it.
But now the first night as a 7 week old my son is wide awake since 9pm. My husband left around 945 for work and I was on my own. We both figured by 1030 he would be back asleep. He has a witching hour that comes somewhere between 830 and 11 most nights... it usually lasts 60 or 90 minutes.... but this night no. I nursed and nursed and nursed and nursed some more and he wasn't happy. I changed his diaper. I changed his clothes. I adjusted the temperature in the house. I turned our fan on. I turned our fan off. I walked him. I bounced him. I rocked him. I laid him down. I cuddled with him. He was not happy about anything.
I kept texting my husband. I knew there was nothing he could do I just needed some support and someone to talk to. His words were few and mostly full of apologies for me. I still don't think he realizes how much it really helped even though he wasn't there. At about 1:30 I was done... I was going to lose my mind... I text my husband that message with a few choice words to add in to it ( I love to cuss and do frequently). I laid the baby on the bed. He wasn't crying but fussing so i wasn't worried about him waking his brother. I sat on the floor next to our bed .... i needed 5 minutes of no touching just 5 minutes. As i sat there the tears started pouring..... why tonight... why so long..... why am i alone.... can i keep doing this.... where do i find the strength.... so many thoughts and questions. All my husband sent me was a sad face from the text i sent him. Now i was just questioning why i had to do this alone.... why does my husband have to work midnights so you would think that the text would have upset me. It didn't. As a police officer's wife to know my husband was able to read my text and took the time to read it was enough to not feel too alone. I took a deep breath and climbed back into bed with my son. I started over.... changed his diaper, got him comfy, and nursed. He calmed a bit but was still very fussy. And then my husband walked into our bedroom in full uniform. He had a few minutes and wanted to try and come help. (My first son was a momma's boy but our second son loves his daddy and sometimes only daddy can get him to fall asleep) It only lasted about 5 minutes before he got a call but it honestly made the whole night so much easier.
It took another 40 minutes to get my son asleep but I did. And the next 3 hours of sleep was amazing! In walked my husband just getting home from work. He was hoping we were still asleep but the baby needed to eat AGAIN. He gave me a kiss and sat on the bed to chat for a few minutes before he went and got our oldest up. He went downstairs and fed him breakfast so we could get him ready for daycare. 7:15 am was here and all i could think was wow that was a long night.... and then the text came: "His cough is horrible" ... CRAP our oldest is sick. My lack of sleep and no energy was going to have to wait. Time to get up and head to the doctor to find out that he has CROUP. Oh the joys of Mommyhood.